Healing Your Broken Heart After Divorce: Steps to Emotional Recovery
Divorce can feel like the end of the world, shattering your sense of stability and leaving your heart in pieces. In the aftermath, you might feel a whirlwind of emotions – sadness, anger, confusion, relief, and even guilt. It’s normal to feel lost. Healing from such a profound loss can seem like an insurmountable challenge, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and renewal.
What I learned as I was trying to rebuild my life is that healing a broken heart isn’t a linear process. Some days I felt like I was making progress, while other days the pain felt as raw as ever. This ebb and flow was a natural part of the healing journey. Understanding that it’s okay to have these ups and downs helped me be kinder to myself as I worked to get through this difficult time. I remember there were days when I forgot that I was heartbroken. On these days, I would start to believe I was finally moving on from the pain and anger. Then, out of the blue, something would happen and I would spiral again, and tears would be ready to fall.
One of the hardest parts of healing is facing the myriad emotions that come with it. If you’re like me, you might experience intense grief over the loss of your relationship, anger at your ex or even yourself, and fear about what the future holds. These emotions can be overwhelming, making it feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending storm. It’s important to remember that these feelings, as painful as they are, are part of the process of moving forward.
Healing also means confronting the reality of your situation and finding a way to rebuild your life on new terms. This can be daunting, as it requires you to redefine who you are outside of your marriage. It’s a time to rediscover your passions, set new goals, and establish boundaries that protect your well-being. It’s a journey of self-discovery, where you learn to embrace your independence and find strength you never knew you had.
While the path to healing is personal and unique, knowing that you’re not alone can provide comfort. There are a lot of us women who have walked this path before and emerged stronger and more resilient. With patience, self-compassion, and the willingness to take one step at a time, you can heal your broken heart and create a fulfilling, joyful life.
The following healing strategies are designed to guide you through this process, offering practical advice and emotional support as you begin to mend your heart and open up to the possibility of ‘what’s next’.
Grieve
Grief is where it starts. And remember, there’s no “right” way to grieve. Everyone does it differently, and it’s crucial not to judge yourself (or others) for how you handle it. Grief is like an emotional rollercoaster – unpredictable and intense. It sneaks up on you, hits hard, and sometimes feels never-ending. Accept that it’s going to hurt, and know that eventually, it will ease up. Give yourself permission to work through your grief.
Forgive Yourself and Your Ex
To be clear - forgiving isn’t about excusing bad behavior. What happened to you happened to you. It’s not about forgetting or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about freeing yourself from the burden of anger and resentment. Imagine all your negative feelings – the anger, shame, hurt – just being gone. You don’t have to hold on to all of that debilitating energy. It’s not easy. It’s like breaking a bad habit; it takes time and patience, but it’s possible. With forgiveness, you get your power back and you give yourself the gift of healthier energy and better health. As you work to forgive your ex, you’ll find that you are also forgiving yourself and the woman you were while married. This is where real healing takes off.
Reconnect to Joy
By definition, joy is the “feeling of great pleasure or happiness that comes from success, good fortune or a sense of well-being.” Feeling joy isn’t really easy at any stage of the divorce process. But joy is also a choice. Even when your life stinks, it is possible to wake up each morning and say, “Today I choose joy”. Joy can acknowledge that times are tough, but still allow you to choose to celebrate what is still good. Joy is often found in the little things. Rediscover what makes you happy. This might be as life-changing as pursuing a new career or starting a business, but it might also be as simple as picking up an old hobby or starting an afternoon tea ritual. The important thing is to listen to your inner voice. Embrace the fear, but don’t let it stop you. You’re capable of amazing things.
Seek Support from Friends, Family, or a Therapist
You don’t have to go through this alone. Reach out to friends and family for support. Sometimes, talking to a therapist can provide an outside perspective and help you work through your feelings. Too often, women aren’t comfortable asking for help. We like to be strong. We like to be the one that other people come to for help. We like to be problem solvers. Healing requires that we get comfortable leaning on others when we need them. Ask for what you need, whether it’s someone to share a laugh, a cry, or an adventure, or someone to pick up the kids, mow the lawn, or fix a meal. Now is the time to find your people and build your support team.
Focus on Self-Care
Oh, why is self-care so hard for us?! If you’ve struggled to set aside time for yourself in the past, know that now is the time for prioritizing taking care of yourself. It is crucial during this time of healing. There are the physical forms of self-care: making sure you’re eating well, getting enough sleep, and finding ways to relax and unwind. There are also the emotional forms of self-care: talking to yourself with love, allowing yourself to feel your emotions without judgment, and seeking out activities that nourish your soul. Spend time doing things that bring you joy, whether it's a hobby you've neglected, a new interest you've been curious about, or simply taking a moment each day to breathe and be present. Self-care isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity, especially now. Think of it as refueling your tank so you can continue on this journey with the energy and resilience you need.
Examine the Lessons from the Past
Reflect on your past relationship to understand what worked and what didn’t. This isn’t about blaming yourself or your ex, but about gaining insights to help you in future relationships and personal growth. I have coached so many women and hear way too often that they just keep attracting the same type of man. That’s why it’s good to step back and look at your marriage and other relationships without judgment and without assigning roles or blame. You want to learn from the past - the good things and the hard things and take that knowledge into your next relationship.
Take Responsibility for Your Own Actions
It’s natural to want to blame your ex for what went wrong, but true healing requires us to look inward as well. We need to own our actions, even those we’re not proud of. Admitting our part in the problems can be incredibly tough, but it’s a necessary step towards healing. By acknowledging our role in the past, we empower ourselves to shape a better future. Every choice we make has the potential to lead us towards a happier, more fulfilling life. So let’s embrace this opportunity for growth with compassion and courage.
Establish New Boundaries
Setting boundaries is essential in your healing process. Boundaries act as safeguards for your emotional well-being, helping you to protect your heart and mind as you navigate life post-divorce. They prevent old, unhealthy patterns from resurfacing and ensure that you can move forward in a healthier, more self-respecting way. As my marriage was ending, I didn’t even know I could set boundaries. I was in survival mode and couldn’t imagine summoning up the strength to hold firm boundaries. I didn’t even know I could have boundaries. Once I realized that boundaries were the key to recapturing my energy and building my reserves, I was able to believe that healing was possible. You can too! You can create a safe space for yourself to heal and thrive, paving the way for a more fulfilling future.
Embrace and Accept the Process of Healing
Healing isn’t about achieving perfection; it’s about learning and growing. Understand that healing is a journey, not a destination. It’s a process that unfolds over time, with its own pace and rhythm. There will be good days and bad days, moments of progress and setbacks. Embracing this reality can help you be more patient and compassionate with yourself. Healing is a deeply personal journey. Your path will not look like anyone else’s. Accept where you are now and give yourself whatever time and grace you need.
Celebrate Small Victories
Acknowledge and celebrate the small steps you take toward healing. Healing is a journey made up of many tiny steps, and each one of those steps is significant. Whether it’s getting through a day without tears, finding the courage to try something new, or simply getting out of bed when you didn’t think you could, these are all victories worth celebrating. Take time each day to reflect on your progress. Write down your accomplishments in a journal, no matter how minor they may seem. This practice helps you see just how far you’ve come and provides tangible evidence of your resilience and growth. On challenging days, looking back at these entries can provide a much-needed reminder of your strength and perseverance. Be proud of yourself for every step you take.
Healing takes time, and it's okay to have good days and bad days.
But I want you to know, you’re stronger than you think. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Remember, every little step you take is progress, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. You’re not alone in this – many of us have been through it and have come out the other side stronger and happier, and you will too.
Celebrate your small victories, no matter how minor they might seem. Whether it’s getting through the day without crying or trying something new, these moments matter.
Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you. Trust in your resilience and be patient with yourself. You are rebuilding a beautiful, strong life, and each day brings you closer to the happiness you deserve. Keep believing in yourself and your journey. You’ve come so far already, and you can handle whatever comes next.
