Next Chapter Interview: Deb's Story

Deb has generously shared her divorce story with us. She opens up about what went wrong, what she did right, the pain, and ultimately the joy she’s found in these post-divorce years. Enjoy the read! 

Tell us a little bit about yourself!
I am from Annville, Pennsylvania, which is very close to Hershey. I have 2 daughters. My oldest, unfortunately, passed away in 2016 at 39 years old. My youngest is 37 and lives in Los Angeles.
I have been married twice. The first marriage lasted for 32 years and the second for almost 10 years.

Can you share a little about your marriage?
My first marriage, looking back, I think was more of a rebellion against my mother. She did not like him at all (should have listened to her!) Initially, we were happy, had our daughter, and went through the usual financial struggles of a young family. Everything was good… until it wasn’t. I found out, quite by accident, that he was cheating on me and had been for a number of years. Boy, was I gullible and naive!

My second marriage, I thought was the “love of my life.” The attention was great; we were financially very stable. The only problem was his alcohol use, but I kept making excuses for that, to my friends and to myself. He was a trucker and home most nights until a year or so before (our divorce) I again accidentally found out his cheating and the many times of lying. How could I let this happen to me again?

What was the moment you knew your marriage was truly over?
With both, it was when I had to face the proof I had that they were cheating on me. It felt like a “punch to the gut.” Like I couldn’t breathe.

What was the toughest moment or phase of your separation or divorce?
My second husband had built a large garage on my property to work on his car. (My house had never been put in his name.) He felt that since he had paid for the garage, he should have access to it whenever he wanted. This was stressful and emotional for me, as I never knew when he would show up. With a lot of help from the Luscious Life School program, I was able to set boundaries so I felt in control. Part of our divorce agreement was that he had a set date by which he had to remove all his things from the garage. He wasn’t happy about it, but I stood firm, again with support from this group.

When you think about the four components of the Post Divorce Growth Cycle—Radical Self-Care, Authentic Self, Money Confidence, and Healthy Relationships—where did you feel the most stuck?
For me, I needed to work on who I was, my authentic self, before I could even start to tackle anything else. All of the Authentic Self exercises were very valuable and necessary to my growth. The one I have the most memories of and connection with is the letter we were to write to someone about our authentic self. I chose to write this letter to my adult daughter and then shared it with her on a visit. That was eye-opening for both of us.

Then I needed—and succeeded—to discover what a Healthy Relationship looked like. It took a lot of work on myself at first, then learning to read red flags in others. I struggled with this a few times. But I truly believe I would not be where I am today, and in the healthy relationship I am in today, without putting in that work.

What role did community or support systems play in your recovery?
I had support from friends, but it wasn’t until I happened upon the info from Rebranding Divorce and decided to do the initial workshop that I started to heal. Best decision and best money I ever spent. At that time, there were 3 coaches—Lee, Mimi, and Carolyn. They listened to me and others in the group. They made you think for yourself and problem solve, rather than figuring it all out for you.

The other women in the group became sisters to me. Even though I am no longer a full participant in the group, I will never forget the love, support, and comfort I received. We learned from each other, supported each other. We laughed together, and I certainly had my times of crying without fear of being judged. These women helped me to rise above—WAY above—my failed marriage and divorce. I would NOT be the person I am today, thriving and happy, if not for each and every one of them.

What ReBranding Divorce exercises, courses, resources, or strategies were the most helpful to you?
For me, the affirmations and Wonder Woman pose were incredible. Days that I had to deal with or confront my ex-husband, Kevin about something, I would get in front of my mirror in that WW pose and instantly feel I could do this! I also got a lot out of the healthy relationship flags resource. Guided meditation was helpful, too.

What are you proudest of now, looking back?
The confidence I have gained. The time I took to work on me!

Was there a specific moment when you realized you were thriving, not just surviving?
I think, for me, it was a gradual thing. My friends started telling me how happy and confident I looked. A pivotal moment was the day I received the divorce papers in the mail. The day itself was very emotional, but it was the closure I needed to continue becoming my AUTHENTIC self.

How has your life changed since those early post-divorce days?
I am stronger. I learned what a healthy relationship is and means. I am truly happy for probably the first time in my life.

What is your relationship like with your ex now?
My first husband lives, I believe, around Buffalo, NY. We have no contact. I have not heard from him since my daughter’s funeral. My second husband passed away approximately one year after our divorce was final.

Are you currently dating, remarried, or embracing singlehood?
I have been dating and now in a serious long-term relationship with a wonderful man. He has been married and divorced twice as well. I do not believe we will marry, but I do believe we will be together for the rest of our lives. We each have our own homes, and this works for us. We are together probably 5 out of 7 days of the week.

What’s the biggest gift of divorce, now that you have some perspective?
That I could be OK on my own (but I never learned to like it!) Digging deep and learning about myself.

If you could give one piece of advice to someone just starting their post-divorce journey, what would it be?
Don’t give up! Don’t settle! If you put in the work (and it won’t be quick), you will be amazed at the woman you will become. You deserve what you want!

What’s next for you?
I don’t really have any specific goals at the moment. I just want to continue to be happy. I want to continue to show others that I am there for them and am grateful to have them in my life. Scott always says, “Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.” I want to live each day and love each person like it’s my last.