Scared of Divorce? 10 Strategies To Get Past The Fear

I am ready to leave - and I am scared.

You're not alone if the idea of staying married depresses you but the thought of actually going through with a divorce scares the daylights out of you.  You are contemplating two really hard plans.  You are in the proverbial rock and a hard place.  Staying in a marriage that just isn’t working anymore is soul sucking, exhausting and lonely. And, the thought of initiating and following through with the divorce process is just so stomach churning. You may feel like all you do is seesaw between, “I need to stay and work it out and I need to get out and start really living my life again”. I remember that feeling all too well. The dysfunction and loneliness within the marriage were undeniable, but divorce? That was a world I couldn't fully grasp, and it certainly didn't seem inviting.

For me, it wasn't just the fear of the unknown; it was a fear that seeped into every crevice of my life. My ex was a rollercoaster of emotions. What would his reaction be? Anger, cruelty, greediness, or perhaps something I couldn't anticipate? The possibilities seemed endless and, frankly, terrifying. And what about me? Would I crumble under the weight of it all? How would I manage to stay on top of my life while going through something as devastating as a divorce? The uncertainties extended to the practical aspects, too. How would our marital money be divided? Would I have enough to start over? I had heard the horror stories – women left with nothing after investing decades into a marriage.

And with the unpredictability of how the money would play out, there would be attorney fees. The potential financial strain of navigating the legal process almost paralyzed me.  How would I financially handle this when finances seemed so uncertain. 

If you’re a mom, your biggest fear was probably similar to mine. How would my 3 kids handle their parents parting ways? What level of ugliness would they witness, and how much would it impact their idealistic and innocent lives?  Could I be a good mom while going through my own heartbreak?

Reflecting on those moments, it's a wonder I mustered the courage to go through with it. I spent months trying to work up the courage to leave my marriage.  There were long conversations with trusted friends, self help books, lists of pros and cons and too many sleepless nights to count. I could not stay stuck in indecision.  It was draining any spark of me that was left. It became obvious that something had to happen.To be healthy and whole, I had to find a way to face my fears. As overwhelming as they were, confronting these fears head-on became a crucial step towards reclaiming control over my life and embracing the potential for a brighter future.

Navigating through the fears associated with divorce involved a process of honest self-reflection. My instinct was to avoid the fear (by staying in a miserable relationship) or to act brave and not let anyone see how terrified I was.  But honestly, I couldn’t muster the energy to “fake it til I made it”.  Plus, it felt like adding more unhealthiness to my life instead of working on becoming happy and whole again. Rather than suppressing my fears, I began to allow myself the space to recognize and articulate them.I realized that it's not an admission of weakness, but a courageous acknowledgment of the challenges ahead. Understanding that these fears are a natural part of the journey became empowering. To be sure, I did not face them all at once; I took it one step at a time, leaning on my (surprisingly strong) inner resilience.  I gradually dismantled the barriers that these fears may throw in my path to keep me “safe” and ultimately stuck. 

In the upcoming sections, I'll share more about how I tackled the practical and emotional challenges of divorce. From start to finish, my divorce journey wasn't a smooth sail, but it was undeniably transformative. And now I can honestly say, I am thankful for every bit of it.  

Your strength lies not in avoiding your fears of divorcing but in acknowledging them and choosing to move forward despite them.

Practical strategies to support yourself through the fear of divorce

1. Educate Yourself:

Fear often stems from the unknown. Arm yourself with knowledge about the divorce process, legalities, and potential outcomes. Understanding what to expect can demystify the process, empowering you to make informed decisions and alleviating some of the anxieties.  Here are two great places to start educating yourself about divorce. 

American Bar Association (ABA) - Divorce and Family Law Section: ABA's Divorce and Family Law Section offers a wealth of resources, including articles, guides, and FAQs, to help individuals understand the legal aspects of divorce. The section covers various topics, such as child custody, spousal support, and property division, providing insights into the intricacies of the divorce process. Visit their website at ABA - Divorce and Family Law Section.

NOLO - Divorce and Family Law Resources: NOLO is a well-known legal resource that provides accessible information for individuals navigating the legal landscape. Their Divorce and Family Law section offers articles, books, and online tools to help demystify the divorce process. It covers topics ranging from understanding divorce laws to practical tips for a smoother transition. Explore their resources at NOLO - Divorce and Family Law.

2. Build a Support System:

This is a time to rally your trusted support system.  Let them know what is going on and how you are feeling. Hire support when necessary.  A good therapist can offer empathy and guidance during and after your divorce. Sharing your fears with those who genuinely care provides emotional validation and helps in processing complex emotions.

3. Prioritize Self-Care:

If you ignore everything else in this article, pay attention to this one.  Women tend to put themselves last on every list and take care of everyone else first.  Divorce is hard.  It is draining.  The more you fill your own tank, the more internally resourced you will be. And that will translate to a better outcome for you and your children. Emotional well-being is paramount during a divorce. Establish self-care routines that prioritize your mental and physical health. This can include activities such as exercise, meditation, journaling, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy and relaxation.

4. Seek Professional Guidance:

Consulting with a therapist or counselor specialized in divorce can provide invaluable support. Professional guidance offers a safe space to explore fears, cope with emotional challenges, and develop coping mechanisms tailored to your unique situation.

5. Financial Preparedness:

Financial concerns often contribute significantly to the fear of divorce. Work with a financial advisor to gain a comprehensive understanding of your financial situation. Develop a realistic budget and plan for the future, providing a sense of control and stability.

6. Focus on Children:

If children are involved, fears about their well-being can be particularly intense. Maintain open communication with them, assuring them of your love and commitment. Collaborate with your ex-spouse to create a co-parenting plan that prioritizes the children's needs.

7. Set Realistic Expectations:

Recognize that the divorce process is a journey with ups and downs. Setting realistic expectations for the timeline and outcomes can reduce the fear of the unknown. Patience and acceptance of the process as a gradual unfolding can ease anxieties.

8. Create a Future Vision:

Shift your focus from the fear of what you're leaving behind to envisioning the future you want to create. Set goals, both short-term and long-term, and visualize the positive aspects of life after divorce. This forward-looking perspective can instill hope and motivation.

9. Legal Counsel:

Consult with a knowledgeable family law attorney to understand your rights and responsibilities. Having a clear understanding of the legal aspects can provide a sense of control and assurance during a tumultuous time.

10. Embrace Flexibility:

It’s incredibly helpful to understand that not everything will go according to plan, and that's okay. Embracing flexibility allows you to adapt to unforeseen circumstances and challenges, fostering resilience in the face of uncertainty. Let go of your expectations on how your divorce process will go and be ready to respond and react in real time.  That will help you avoid undue disappointment and frustration because no divorce runs 100% according to plan.

Remember, facing the fear of divorce is a courageous step in itself. By implementing these strategies, you equip yourself with the tools needed to navigate the complexities of divorce, fostering not only survival but a transformative journey towards personal growth and empowerment. Each fear you confront becomes a stepping stone on your path to a brighter and more fulfilling future.

As I grappled with the overwhelming fears that accompanied my decision to divorce, little did I know that confronting those anxieties would lead to a profound journey of self-discovery. The uncertainty about his reaction, the division of finances, and the potential impact on our kids felt like insurmountable hurdles.

But here's the kicker—I faced them. Head-on.

So, buckle up. We're diving into the nitty-gritty of addressing fears, riding the waves of  divorce, and emerging on the other side with newfound strength and clarity. Because as complex as this journey might seem, it's also an opportunity for growth, resilience, and a chance to shape a future that's truly yours. Stay with me as we navigate through the lessons I learned on the road less traveled.

As you navigate the emotional terrain of contemplating divorce, it's crucial to know that the fears weighing on your mind are shared by many women facing similar crossroads. The uncertainty ahead, concerns about a spouse's reaction, financial anxieties, and worries about the impact on children are not exclusive to your experience. Other things I worried about and know that most women struggle with is wondering how my friend group will handle our divorce?  Will I feel that there is a new and uncomfortable social stigma? Will they feel like they need to choose one of us? I wondered if I would be lonely on my own.  And if I would ever feel like being in another romantic relationship. The idea of dating again was an instant panic attack.  How does anyone start over? These are common threads woven into the stories of countless women. Recognizing the universality of these fears doesn't diminish their significance; instead, it underscores the collective strength found in shared experiences. You're not alone in grappling with these emotions, and understanding that others have faced and overcome similar fears can be a source of empowerment as you navigate your own path forward.

Riding the Emotional Rollercoaster of Divorce:

Let’s talk about some of the emotions you can expect to feel as you move through the divorce process. 

Divorcing is not unlike strapping yourself into a really wild rollercoaster ride. You are going to feel all the feels.  From the adrenaline rush of being free from the dysfunction of your marriage, able to live in your own space and make your own decisions,  to the rock in the pit of your stomach as you begin to come to terms with letting go of your imagined life. You will experience intense bursts of anger, sparked by the circumstances that led you here. 

And amidst these complex emotions, anticipate moments of joy and liberation. Picture the exhilaration of rediscovering yourself, charting a course that aligns with your authentic desires. Embrace the thrill of new possibilities, the excitement of crafting a life uniquely tailored to your aspirations.

If you are able to open yourself up to the experience of releasing everything you thought your life would be for the gift of creating a life that is authentically yours, the process will be easier to navigate.  The intense negative emotions can become opportunities to grow, heal and move on.  And the intense positive feelings will act as your personal support team, cheering you on and keeping you motivated.  

Instead of pushing forward with no plan in place or sinking back into an unhappy marriage out of fear, let’s get you set up with a few strategies that can keep you on track and moving towards your ultimate goal - happiness.

By utilizing the practical strategies to navigate the fears associated with divorce you are doing a lot to set yourself up for succes. Remember that this journey is not just about surviving; it's about thriving and creating a future that resonates with your authentic self.

The Gifts of Divorce

Reflecting on my own journey through divorce, I can now see all of the gifts it has given me. Facing my fears, finding my voice and advocating for myself were the beginning of  profound personal growth. The rollercoaster of emotions, the fears confronted, and the transformative nature of the experience have all contributed to a newfound sense of resilience and authenticity. I can see now that, as complex as divorce might be, it's also an opportunity to shed the weight of the past and create a future that aligns more closely with your true self.

If you are navigating the fears and uncertainties of divorce, understand that you are not alone. The fears you're grappling with are shared by many others who have walked this path. Embrace the intensity of your emotions, recognizing that they hold the potential for growth, healing, and a renewed sense of self. The journey might be tumultuous, but it's also a testament to your strength and resilience. And there are gifts waiting for you on the other side of this process.

Additional self care resources for women who may be scared to divorce

I’m going to say it again - self care is going to be your lifesaver. As you take steps to begin the divorce process, I encourage you to place a deliberate focus on nurturing your mind, body and soul. You don’t have to spend a ton of money or take a week off to go to a silent yoga retreat to take care of yourself.  In fact, both of those options might stress you out even more.  There are simple daily practices that will feed you during this time.  Some suggestions are:

• Use Affirmation cards - Highly effective and powerful reminders of your strength and worth. These will feed your brain instant hits of positivity and motivation.  Here are a few affirmation decks I love - Life Loves You Cards, and if you like your cards a little more spicy try these - Sweary Affirmation Cards for Women
• Journal - whether you are a devoted journaler or you have never embraced the habit, going through a divorce is the perfect time to get your feelings out on paper.  There is something healing about writing your thoughts, emotions and experiences down.  
• Explore podcasts that resonate with your experience, offering insights, stories, and advice that can act as companions on your journey.
• Find quotes that resonate with you and put them where you can see them a million times a day.  When in doubt, turn to Brene Brown for encouragement.

Remember, this isn't just about surviving divorce; it's about thriving beyond it. The journey is uniquely yours, and each step forward is an opportunity to shape a future that resonates with authenticity and fulfillment. Stay resilient, seek support when needed, and know that, despite the challenges, you have the strength to navigate the path forward.