Stages Of Divorce For A Woman

Embarking on the journey of divorce is not an easy decision, and I want you to know that you are not alone. We understand, from personal experience and from coaching hundreds of women through the process, that this path is filled with uncertainty, questions, and fear. Knowing what to expect can help ease your anxiety a bit and potentially help you make the decision to stay or go once and for all. One thing we can absolutely promise you is that you are stronger than you think.  And, if you decide that divorce is the best option for you, the road ahead, though challenging, is also a path of self-discovery and newfound strength.

Stage 1: The Decision

The first stage is often the hardest – making the decision to embrace change. It's okay to feel a whirlwind of emotions – doubt, fear, anger, sadness, and yes, relief.  Most women experience mixed emotions while in the early stages of divorce.  There can be a feeling of regret over choosing the wrong partner, over not having the right “answer” to “fix” their marriages and even some significant regret over not deciding to divorce sooner. 

The Endless "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" Struggle

Something most women don’t discuss is the prolonged agony of the "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" phase – because let's face it, it's a doozy. This limbo is like being stuck in a never-ending game of emotional chess, and spoiler alert: nobody's winning.

You're in this phase for what feels like an eternity, tangled up in the mess of conflicting emotions. It's not just hard; it's the kind of hard that keeps you up at night, staring at the ceiling, questioning every single thing. Staying feels like clutching onto a safety net, even if it's a bit frayed. Leaving? Well, that's like jumping off a cliff without knowing if there's a safety mat below. And eventually the pain of living in this “nowhere” land becomes more unbearable than the fear of initiating a divorce. 

Although it is really uncomfortable to manage these emotions while trying to decide which direction to take your marriage in, know that it is a valuable part of the process.  You are deciding what to do with your life, your partnership and your future.  It will affect you, your spouse, your children, your friends and your family.  And.  All of you will survive and thrive once you commit to the healthiest decision for you.  The goal is finding your own happiness and peace.  Everyone else involved will fare better if you are emotionally and mentally healthy and happy. 

If you, like millions of other women, decide that it is time to begin the divorce process keep in mind two things; 1) You will experience every emotion possible.  Fear, anxiety and anger will definitely show up in spades.  But you will also experience excitement, relief and moments of profound empowerment.  You are taking control of your life and creating a new outcome for yourself.  It’s huge!  And 2) You will get through this chapter of life.  You will be okay and there is support and resources to help you.  

So here's the deal – If you are reading this article, it is probably time to make a tough decision. As terrifying as it is, is also liberating. It's like ripping off a Band-Aid; it stings, but you're finally free from the indecisive limbo. So, to the woman stuck in the agonizing "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" phase, I see you. It's tough, it's messy, but remember, you're not alone. And when you're ready, take that scary leap. It might just be the bravest thing you ever do.

Stage 2: Navigating Legal Waters

We are coaches, mentors and cheerleaders of all women.  We are not legal advisors.  So you won’t get actual legal help here.  But, what we 100% can tell you is that if you're stepping (even in the smallest way possible) into the decision to divorce, get yourself an attorney, pronto. I know, I know, it might seem like diving into the deep end too soon, but trust me, it's like having a secret weapon in this legal battle.

Getting an attorney involved early on means having a personal guide to walk you through the legal maze in front of you. You are walking into uncharted territories (even if this isn’t your first divorce) and you want to make the right decisions from the start.  It's not just about having someone in your corner; it's about being in the know. You likely have a ton of legal and practical concerns such as, when can I move out? can I make my spouse move out?, what happens to our assets?, what about custody of the kids? the pets?… The list is long and unique to you. 

The legalities of separation are complicated, and you want someone who knows the process inside and out. A good attorney will make you feel like you are not alone in this, you have someone on your team.

They'll help you understand your rights – and believe me, you've got them – and navigate the financial terrain. Although it can feel aggressive to hire a lawyer in the very early days of this decision, you will thank yourself when the process is complete and you have made the right decisions every step of the way. 

So, our advice? Once you have made the decision to divorce, get help.  They say “Knowledge is power” for a reason. The sooner you have a legal eagle by your side, the sooner you'll be in the driver's seat of your own life. This isn't just about protection; it's about empowerment. Get that attorney, take charge, and face this legal maze head-on.

Stage 3: Emotional Rollercoaster

We already talked about the journey your emotions are going to go on when you are divorcing.  And honestly, anyone seriously contemplating divorce has already had some tough days, right?  You are in a transition. Your life as a married woman is dissolving but your new, amazing, healthy and empowered life hasn’t taken root yet.  You are living in the in between.  With a lot of unanswered questions.  This part can be tough, and I want you to know that it's okay to feel a jumble of emotions. Divorce isn't just a legal process; it's a deeply personal experience that can stir up a whole range of feelings.

For many women, there is an initial adjustment to being alone for the first time in a long time, potentially ever.  This is normal and takes time to get comfortable with.  Over time you may find yourself enjoying being the sole decision maker over your home, your time, your meals, your energy and your social life.  Allow yourself time to adjust and look for the silver lining in flying solo.  There are many!

As you navigate this emotional terrain, expect a mix of emotions – anger, sadness, confusion, and moments when acceptance might peek through. It's a bit like walking through a fog; things might not be clear for a bit, and that's perfectly normal.  Remind yourself that this chapter is not forever.  It will pass and you will create a beautiful life for yourself on the other side.  Even if you can’t see it yet.

You are very likely experiencing some degree of grief at this stage of the divorce.  It is helpful to allow yourself the time and space to feel your feelings without judging them or expecting yourself to “just get over it already”.  Grief has its own timeline and it can’t be rushed or avoided.  You may find Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler’s book, On Grief and Grieving helpful in understanding what you are experiencing right now. 

You're not alone in this. Many women have walked a similar path, and your feelings are both individual and shared. Seeking support isn't a sign of weakness; it's a testament to your strength. Much like the advice we shared about getting an attorney on board ASAP, this is the time to build your support team.  You, and your children, will fare much better if you are not white knuckling it through this difficult time alone. Surround yourself with those who understand and support you – friends, family, or a compassionate therapist.

As you begin to navigate this transition, understand that your feelings are valid and respected. Take each step as it comes, and remember, healing is not a linear journey. You're not just going through the motions; you're gradually, authentically growing and healing. You're not alone; there's a community here ready to support you on this journey.  

Stage 4: Co-Parenting and Concerns

If there are kids in the mix, co-parenting takes center stage – no way around it. Parenting concerns during and after divorce can feel overwhelming.  It's a substantial challenge. Let's call it what it is – tricky. Co-parenting involves navigating schedules, merging different parenting styles, and doing it all without a guidebook. All while processing your own feelings about the other parent.  This is really hard stuff you are experiencing.

In the most ideal conditions, co-parenting is not an unsolvable puzzle. It requires open and honest communication and keeping the focus on what's best for the kids, even if it means making compromises. 

And most divorces are not ideal.  There is usually some degree of contentiousness for one or both parents. So, co-parenting effectively takes extra time, energy and effort to establish new routines, boundaries and dynamics.

We are going to double down on the advice we gave you about attorneys and a supportive team. Find a really good family therapist! Ask your friends, pediatrician, and school counselor for a reference.  Do your research and then get moving on setting up appointments.  

This major family transition is the time to pull your team of experts.  Family therapists that specialize in divorce and transitions are a very supportive strategy for you and for your children.  You will find having an objective, experienced professional on your team very helpful.  

They will help you maintain some of the key elements to your child’s well being during this time. :

Communication is Key: Establish a communication routine with your co-parent. Regular updates on the kids' activities, needs, and any changes in schedules keep everyone on the same page.

Consistency Matters: Try to maintain consistency in rules and routines between households. It provides a sense of stability for the kids as they navigate between homes.

Put the Kids First: While emotions can run high, always prioritize the children's well-being. Keep adult issues separate from parenting decisions.

Stage 5: Rediscovering Yourself

Here comes the good news.  There is something we call “The Gifts Of Divorce” and you will begin to notice them once you are through the process.  You have made a really courageous choice to live life on your own terms. To not settle for a life that was not lighting you up and allowing you to be your fullest, most authentic self.  This chapter is your golden opportunity for something beautiful – the chance to rediscover you.

Remember those passions and dreams that might have taken a backseat during your time as a spouse? Well, it's time to dust them off and bring them back into the spotlight. This is your moment to reconnect with the person you were before life got a bit tangled up. What did you love to do? What set your soul on fire?

You may not be in the space to take this journey of rediscovery right now. You may be still mourning your marriage, or still in the throes of divorce or maybe you are just so exhausted from what you have been through that you don’t have the energy for it right now.  If so, place this idea on an imaginary shelf and think of it as a gift waiting for you to unwrap when you are ready for it.  And trust me, you will be ready for it soon. 

It can also be overwhelming to feel ready to move on and rediscover yourself but have no idea where to start.  The blank canvas is both a beautiful opportunity and a vast expanse of…what?  You will likely buy a ton of books and watch some movies to give you ideas and inspiration.  And we encourage it.  Allow yourself to explore what is available to you now.  And you also have a framework you can grab hold of that will give you a path to self discovery and healing.  It is the Post Divorce Growth Cycle. It is an amazing roadmap to grab onto when you don’t know where to start.  Read more about it here. 

Reconnecting with yourself means you have  the chance to explore, embrace, and celebrate who you are beyond your role as a spouse. It's like peeling away the layers to reveal the woman who's been waiting to emerge.

This isn't just about finding hobbies or ticking off a checklist. It's about tapping into the essence of you. What makes you feel alive? What brings a spark to your eyes? Whether it's a forgotten hobby, a new interest, or revisiting old dreams, let this be a journey of self-nurturing.

You're not starting from scratch; you're building upon a foundation that's uniquely yours. It's about redefining and rebuilding your life on your terms. Picture it as an artist creating a masterpiece; you hold the brush, and the canvas is waiting.

So, embrace this chance to rediscover yourself – quirks, passions, dreams, and all. You're not just turning a page; you're writing a whole new chapter. This is your time to shine, and you've got the pen. What story will you tell? The canvas is yours.

Final Words of Encouragement

As you navigate the path of divorce and create your next chapter, know that you're not alone – countless women have faced the whirlwind of divorce and come out the other side stronger and happier. Remember, it's okay to feel it all, to rediscover yourself, and to tackle co-parenting head-on. This process may be tough, but so are you.  Stepping into this new chapter gives you the opportunity to redefine your life in a way that feels authentic and peaceful to you. It's not a cliché; it's a truth. It's never too late to reintroduce joy and fulfillment into your life. The past exists, but the future is yours to shape. It's not about erasing history; it's about building a future where you and your kids can thrive. The path might have bumps, but you're the one holding the map - allow yourself to thrive!

Additional Resources:

• You’re Getting Divorced. What Now?
• After The Breakup: A Self Love Journal
• ReBranding Divorce Private Facebook Community