You’re getting divorced. What now?

Signing your divorce papers is like closing a chapter in a book that you never wanted to write. When you were walking down the aisle on your wedding day you couldn’t imagine that you would ever be experiencing the pain of divorce.

The question then becomes: what now? How do you step forward into a future that seems uncertain, perhaps even unwelcome? How do you survive divorce when the ground you walk on is suddenly so unsteady.

Life after divorce can feel so scary and overwhelming.

Fortunately, you are here. We’ve helped thousands of women take those first tenuous steps forward. We know exactly how you’re feeling, where you are struggling and the perspective you need.

Embrace the Unknown

While it would feel amazing to know exactly what our future has in store for us, it’s simply not realistic. Life doesn’t play out that way for anyone. Even the most meticulous planner faces life’s curveballs. Divorce is one of life’s biggest curveballs and it can leave you feeling completely shattered inside. You are facing a lot of unknowns - and that is very intimidating.

However, within this challenge lives a really beautiful opportunity for a shift in perspective. You can decide to think about your new reality differently. You have the power to choose to look at this moment in your life with curiosity and openness. This shift in thinking opens the door to endless possibilities. It’s a great time to acknowledge the aspects of your life that are within your control, and, despite the pain, you’ll probably find there are a lot more places where you feel confident than you initially imagined.

Build Your Support Team

In the immediate aftermath of divorce, your friends and family may surround you with love and support. But unless they’ve gone through a divorce themselves, they don’t truly understand the emotional upheaval you’re experiencing.

The grief you feel is real - even if you’re the one who initiated the divorce. The loss of confidence you experience can make you question every decision you’ll need to make in the coming months. Make sure you build a team that gets you. That might include a financial planner who specializes in divorce. You might seek out a coach who specializes in divorce for emotional support, guidance and practical advice to help you focus and set priorities. This might be the right time to consider seeking a therapist or counselor if you don’t already have one.

Take the time to think about what professional support, family support, and friends you can call on. This is one of the most significant transitions you will experience in your life. Focus on gathering as much support and as many resources as possible. Do not feel like you have to do this alone.

Prioritize YOU

The tendency for women to prioritize the needs of others over their own needs often stems from societal expectations and ingrained gender roles. Throughout history, women have been assigned roles as nurturers and caretakers, leading to a cultural narrative that places immense value on self-sacrifice for the well-being of others. Even if you truly do find fulfillment in caring for those you love, it's essential to recognize the importance of self-care.

The healthier you are - both physically and emotionally - the better you’ll be able to face the road ahead of you. Self care is NOT A LUXURY. It’s easy to think that you’ll ‘fit it in’ when you have the time and/or money.

Think holistically. You know how important it is to focus on your physical needs - healthy food, sleep, exercise and maybe even a good massage. But, it’s equally vital to engage in activities that support your mental well being - hiking, meditation, journaling, or even napping.

You are worthy of putting yourself at the forefront of your life.

Alone Doesn’t Mean Lonely

Moving from being part of a couple to being single might sound like the worst thing about a divorce. But we have heard from so many women that nothing feels lonelier than being in a marriage with someone who doesn’t see or value you. Lonely has all the pain of feeling unworthy or lacking in some way. Loneliness can manifest as a pervasive sense of isolation or disconnection. And this can happen while you’re in the same room, or even the same bed, as someone else.

Being alone can provide an opportunity for self-reflection, to re-engage in a forgotten hobby and to do exactly what you want to do without having to consider someone else’s willingness to participate. It might take some practice to become comfortable with being alone. As a human, you are wired for connection, but divorce gives you the chance to find comfort and growth in moments of solitude.

Loneliness is an emotional state of mind that can make you feel sad, empty and unwanted. It can be challenging to deal with loneliness without help because your state of mind keeps you feeling isolated. Alone is a physical state. Learning to enjoy spending time by yourself helps bolster self-confidence and a deep appreciation of solitude. Make sure to pay attention to how you feel when you’re by yourself. Society has conditioned us to think that if we’re alone we must be lonely - but you get to decide for yourself which state you are in.

Find a Glimmer of Hope

When you feel like you are at your very worst is the best time to reach for even the smallest glimmer of hope. It only takes a glimmer of hope to help you get through those times when the days are hard and the nights are long. Hope is not about wishing things were different. Hope is a deep internal knowing that your best days are still ahead of you. Hope reminds you that you are worthy and capable.

You’ve been through the worst and you’ve come out on the other side. When you can lean into hope, you can start to welcome healing and to break your connection to your ex and your marriage. It is from this place of hope that you start to dream again and make plans for the future.

Learn What You Need to Learn

We started by asking you to embrace the unknown and ended by inviting you to lean into hope. It might seem hard to believe that this is possible for you. But you are wildly capable. You survived the end of your marriage and the rigors of the divorce process. Thriving in your life after divorce is possible - you just need to be open to learning whatever you need to learn.

At no point in your life did you learn how to successfully navigate a divorce - but you have done it. And now you’re ready to put your divorce in your rear view mirror. Sometimes the biggest fear we have to face isn’t hiding in a dark alley, it’s our fear of the unknown and not knowing what’s next. Rebuilding your life can feel intimidating because you are facing things that you have never faced before.

The number one way to quiet the fear of the unknown is through knowledge.

Where is your largest knowledge gap? What are the things you need to learn to move forward? As you build your support team, what wisdom can they share with you? There is an endless supply of books, websites, podcasts, YouTube videos just waiting to drop knowledge on you. The more you educate yourself, the more confident you feel and the more action you’ll be willing to take.

Get comfortable asking questions and chasing answers. Here is how you answer the question, “what now?” Pull your dreams off the back burner and figure out how to bring them to life. Make friends with google and your local library. Understand your financial picture. Find a mentor.

There’s a saying that knowledge is power. It’s true. But knowledge is also confidence, hope, excitement and so much more.

Unsure where to start your learning journey? Check out this article on the Post Divorce Growth Cycle.

Your divorce journey is unique, but so many women have weathered this same storm. We’ve done it and we’ve coached countless women who are now thriving in their lives after divorce.

There are still hard days, but over time, they become easier to handle and further and further apart. You are stronger than you think or feel right now. Embrace the unknown, build your support team, prioritize yourself, relish your time alone, find that glimmer of hope to hold onto and learn what you need to learn. And remember, you don’t have to do it alone.

If you are struggling to move forward, or just don’t want to take this journey alone, we invite you to schedule a free 15-minute call with Carolyn or Mimi. We are happy to share what resources we have available to meet you where you are right now in your divorce journey.